My Ostomy Story

October 3, 2015: Happy World Ostomy Day!  Not a day, I would've ever wanted to celebrate, but this year I can and actually mean it! 

I wish I could share some new and profound truth that Ive gained from my experience but the truth is Im left with many questions that I may or may not have answered this side of heaven. I can tell you that Ive experienced the truth of the promises in scripture that Ive known since I was a child.  Romans tell us that when we are weakest, He is strongest and that truth came to life for me  this past two years in a way I never imagined. 

A little back story is that I was diagnosed in 2001 with a digestive disease called ulcerative colitis. It is a chronic disease that is incurable apart from taking the colon. It causes bleeding ulcers to form on the colon and the symptoms can range from very mild to completely debilitating. This disease didn't take me by surprise as my mom and brother were both diagnosed in their early 30s as well.  Medicine managed my symptoms for years and I was able to lead a normal life. Around 2008, I went from symptom free to debilitating almost overnight and landing me in the hospital with my body shutting down. Severe vomiting, Bloody diarrhea, anemia, weakness, fatigue, migraines, muscle myopathy... The only medicine I responded to was an IV infusion of a drug called Remicade which is a very strong biological agent. As long as I stayed on this, I was able to stay in remission for about 5 years. 

Meanwhile, life went on and in 2011 we decided to adopt again after sensing a calling from God. When we discussed our decision with family and close friends, the question of my health kept coming up, which did make me pause and pray and rethink, but ultimately the answer I received was "Kim, I know your age, health and every thing about you. I wouldn't call you and not provide for you." So Laikyn came home in 2012 was healthy and doing well. It should've been the height of my life, but I had a nagging feeling that something wasnt right. We came home with her in June and by August or September, I was having symptoms between infusions. In February 2013, a week after we had our baby's first family birthday party, I went down. I went to school to prepare for a sub and collapsed in the hall with Rob rushing me to the ER. After several days of testing, my GI doctor determined I needed to go to The University of Louisville to my surgeon. They worked on me for about a week to get me stronger and then took me into surgery. It was planned that my colon would be removed and I would have a temporary iliostomy. This is the end of the small bowel pulled through a surgically created hole in the abdomen and then covered with an ostomy bag which collects body waste. She would also create a j pouch out of my small intestine which serves as a replacement for the colon. It would need 8 weeks to heal and then I would have it connected and the ostomy would be reversed. I already knew all the lingo, I had expected this for years and it was something I was scared to death to go thru but I felt prepared.  All I wanted was to get through the 8 weeks and get back to life as it was. I thought I was strong enough to handle it. 

The surgery day (March 4, 2015 ) arrived and I sat in prep shivering, crying and praying. The prep team came in and gave me some meds that would calm me and give me amnesia they said. It had the opposite effect on me. I began to talk and talk and I remember every word. I said I was just worried about my kids and I had to be ok for them. Then I told them all about Laikyn. They rolled me to surgery with me still talking about laikyn and her adoption and how this was not a good time for surgery.... On and on.. They tried to put oxygen on me and I jerked it off and kept talking. That must be when they had enough and hit the knock out button. Ha!

I still remember opening my eyes in recovery and the searing pain. I tried to scream but my voice was gone. All I could do was whisper for help. I've never known such pain. They told me I would be ok and the surgery went well but I knew it was wrong. The following days are a blur of trying to survive , manage pain and come to terms with my body changes. I remember the Wound Ostomy Care Nurse counseling me that my ostomy would eventually be my best friend because it was giving me my life back. I didn't believe her. When I was finally discharged, I was  told that the pain should be better over the next few weeks. That just never happened. 

About three weeks later, I began to have fevers and night chills followed by severe burning pain with every meal. Finally my abdomen turned red, hard and swollen and two holes began to eat through from intestines to skin. I was rushed back to the hospital where my surgeon told me I had  developed fistulas which are abscesses  that tunnel from the bowel  through to the skin or other organs. I was told we would treat for pain and they would eventually heal but it would be a long road. Suddenly my healing went from hard to impossible. I worked at just getting stronger and managing moment to moment but within weeks, I could feel everything draining out of me. My strength and courage went to anxiety and hopelessness. During a visit to my family physician, he said something that changed my outlook.   He said, "God never gives us more than we can bear". My answer was, "He does and He did." I went home and thought about that statement and realized that I was right and maybe that was my problem. I had been trying to bear it and prepare for it and be okay with it. Now it was totally and completely out of the realm of anything I could handle. My prayer changed from "God help me" to "You just have to take this because I can't. It was very freeing to admit total lack of control. I talked to my brother and his advice was, "Do something every day that you think you cant do. Pushing through the pain is the only way you'll get stronger. "  So I made the decision to attempt a return to work despite the pain I was in. It was the most horrible yet best thing I have ever done. Horrible pain and fatigue but best because I have never felt so completely dependent on God and out of control of my life as I did throughout the year. There were days I cried out to God all the way to work  and then wiped my face and went about my day and then cried all the way home. Somehow he gave me the grace to keep going. As I continued to live life and try to stay involved I began to think of all of the things about life that I just wanted back. They were simple things like holding my child, playing at the park with the kids, taking a walk.... I had wondered so many times why God let me get sick so soon after Laikyns adoption, but now I  think maybe that was part of His plan to keep me hanging on. 

The following September it happened again and another fistula occurred. I was back in the hospital for a few days to drain the fluid and again the decision was made to just let it heal. In October I had another major surgery to attempt repair of the j pouch. It was unsuccessful. I was at this point just praying for a miracle and trying to accept that my miracle may not be healing but just learning to accept this situation. Finally my answer came the following spring almost a year after my original surgery. I began to have severe bladder pain and my urologist determined a new fistula had eaten through from my bowel to bladder. I was taken back to U of L hospital by ambulance where I was treated for about a week with nutrition through a pic line and many pain meds until I could go back to surgery. This time she did a small bowel resection, repaired all of the fistulas and stitched up the bladder. I was in the hospital this time from June 10th - July 3rd. This surgery was successful in that I had no more fistulas and could go from wearing a huge wound pouch that constantly leaked to wearing a normal ostomy bag. That alone was worth the surgery. I still had the problem of the hole in the j pouch and had to make a decision whether to try to save it or give up on it. My doctor and I decided it would be best to take it out and make the ostomy permanent. This time I was ready.

Nine months later, in April of 2015, now two years after my first surgery, I went into the OR for what I hope will be my last surgery. My jpouch and rectum were removed this time. The surgery was supposed to take 3 hours and ended up taking 6 and 1/2 due to massive scar tissue causing me to need another modification to my ostomy. I developed another abcess as well as a bleeding issue after surgery so a supposed one week stay turned into 18 days, but I finally healed enough to return home for another 8 week recovery. 

It has now been five months since surgery and I am feeling better than I have in a long while.  Im not going to say that having an ostomy is all hearts and roses. There are moments that Im sad and frustrated with it all. I still have bouts with joint inflammation, and sensitivity to certain foods and stress, but overall I can say I love the final outcome. First of all, it was a matter of life and death and this procedure gave me life. I am teaching school, playing with my kids, taking power walks, eating normal meals again (with some limits) and doing all of of the hobbies that I enjoyed before my illness. I also have stopped taking ordinary days for granted! My doctor isn't sure whether my illness is Ulcerative Colitis or Crohns. My surgery is only a cure for UC. Crohns could come back anywhere in my digestive tract. Therefore, Im going to enjoy every day that I am symptom free and love the ostomy that gave me that chance, even when it doesn't feel so lovable. 

Laikyns 2nd Gotcha Day - May, 2014

Laikyn's 2nd Gotcha Day was a little less elaborate than last year with her trips to Chuck E Cheese and Build A Bear. Ive always let Jillian choose an activity she wants to do each year. With Laikyn still being little, I gave her 2 choices, either a movie or picnic and trampoline jumping. She wanted a picnic.It rained today so we may have to do the real picnic tomorrow, but we decided just in case it rains tomorrow too, we would have an indoor picnic. I think it was still a real treat for her since she usually gets in trouble for leaving the table. Im imagining some confusion when she wants to eat on a blanket again tomorrow. Before opening her gift she insisted on singing Happy Birthday to herself. She's a little mixed up on the special days.  She then blew out her imaginary candle and opened her gift of a Doc McStuffins remote car, a sticker book and a new cup, which she called a bottle. As she is playing happily with her new car, Im looking back at videos of last year and seeing how far she has come. Her speech is still behind her peers, but she is still making steady gains. We couldn't believe it when she went to the doctor last week and she had grown three inches. Im so proud of her and filled with joy every day when she wants to snuggle with me and tells me she loves me. So thankful for the day we Gotcha! 

Easter 2014

Thankful as always for our risen Lord! Prayerfully, it will be my priority to make sure the cross affects each day of my life. The fact that he has conquered death should make a difference in my work, home, entertainment and every other aspect of life. Im always glad to see new faces and a full house on Easter, but saddened by the fact that next Sunday those faces will not be seen. If the resurrection isn't something we celebrate every day, Im not sure it makes a difference to celebrate Easter Sunday at all. It's not a day but a lifestyle. We spent the weekend just hanging out as a family. The kids enjoyed hunting eggs and drawing with their new sidewalk chalk that Granny bought them. On Sunday, we went to worship and then had lunch at the Patio. Later in the afternoon, we met Brandon to see Heaven is for Real. He has not been able to come home often since starting his new job at Orange Leaf, so every chance we get, means a lot. A side note, Frozen in the Easter basket was a great investment. It is almost worn out and Laikyn is singing Let it Go... Literally the same line over and over! 

Spring Break 2014

Over spring break I amazingly took all the kids clothes shopping by myself and survived. The things I used to do presurgery, are not as easy anymore. I did actually make good time and found all Easter outfits. On the down side, Korbin cut his leg messing with a mannequin and lost a toy. Laikyn ran off multiple times. The dressing room scenario cannot even be repeated, but we survived. We celebrated with a trip to Smothers Park where I could sit and breathe while they ran wild, which they had actually already done at the mall. 

We also took our first trip to French Lick to the Big Splash water park. The kids absolutely loved it! I was able to sit and read a while they swam with Dad, so I loved it too. 

My highlight of the week was a surprise overnight trip to Louisville from Rob where we attended the Son of God tour. We had backstage passes so I was able to meet some of my favorite artists!! Awesome night away! 

Laikyns 4th Birthday

I am so proud of this little girl! She has come so far in the last few months, She has a great language burst since summer, her behavior has improved, and she's learning to sit in church on Sunday nights. Shes still a mommas girl and sometimes just wants me to touch her hand or foot while we are in the van or eating dinner. 

Today we are celebrating her 4th birthday with a Doc McStuffins party at home. We had a stuffed animal clinic and fun doctor related gift bags. Laikyn had a ball! 

News from October - December, 2013

Catching up on several events from the end of the year since Ive been a lazy blogger...

October - We celebrated Jillian's 12th Birthday a week early this year. She had a China themed party with a big dragon hanging from the ceiling. We had cute little Chinese takeout gift bags with chopsticks, a bracelet, a fan, and  fortune cookies. Her cake was an edible image of her when she was a baby wearing a traditional Chinese dress. After the party, she had a sleepover with her two best friends, Hannah and Autumn! She and Laikyn wore the Made in China shirts we bought in Guangzhou. The best part was the fun we had planning it together. 

On Jillian's actual birthday, I was in the hospital recovering from surgery the previous day. Of course she came and spent the day in Louisville. Dad took her to Panda Express and to buy The latest Rick Riordan book. 

Halloween 2013- We skipped Vastwood this year, due to cold and Mommas lack of ability to walk very far. J and K reused their costumes from Korbins Duck DYnasty party and went as Willie and Uncle Si. Laikyn went as a pretty witch. We hit the church, fire station and Kelly Heights. Then came home and snacked on Aunt Gert's famous popcorn balls while watching movies. Also sharing some pictures from the beautiful fall colors in our year this year. 

Thanksgiving 2013- On Thanksgiving Day, we had a lasagne dinner and went to our traditional family movie. Although we usually go together, we split up this year. The olders went to Catching Fire with me and Daddy took the littles to Free Birds. We hosted my family at our home this year on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and had a great time. Aunt Gay volunteered to do most of the cooking to help me out and everyone brought their usuals. I did the turkey and dressing. We had a great day of fellowship as the kids played and roared throughout the house. Granny Kruse hosted Daddy's family at her apartment on the Saturday before. It was another wonderful day. 

Above is pictured the 5 generation picture we took. Dad, Sis, Lisa, Kourt, Livi

Christmas- We started Christmas with a magical ride on the Polar Express at French Lick. Cousin Kyle went with us. Great time. Loved the singing and dancing in the aisles and the cookies and hot chocolate with the elves. Another evening, we took Grandad to see the light at Lake Rudolph in Santa Claus. He had never been and was very impressed. Christmas Eve was our family gift exchange and Christmas Day was spent watching old home movies and Christmas movies. The Saturday before, we had our Snyder Christmas at Dana's. The Saturday after was our Kruse Christmas at our house. We were all tired of turkey and ham by that time so we did soup and sandwiches. it seemed like Christmas lasted forever this year and we loved every minute. 

Korbins 8th Birthday

My Lil buddy turned 8 this week. His actual birthday was on a school day so Granny brought cookies for his class. He was so thrilled. Today we celebrated with a duck dynasty party. We had an edible image cake, a duck blind photo booth, a duck target game for the nerf gun, and camouflage decor with little rubber ducks floating in blue water as centerpieces. He loved it. Jillian and Korbin dressed as Willie and Si and even Gdad and Uncle Kev got into the spirit with their beards! We had lots of fun and great fellowship. Korbin got lots of Star Wars toys and duck dynasty shirts, even a talking Si doll.

June 28th, 2013 - Our 27th wedding anniversary

So this year, I just wanted a night away with all Thats been going on. We got 2 rooms at the Hilton Garden Inn in Bowling Green and actually went with the whole family. Brandon stayed in one room with the kids and took them swimming while Dad and I had an anniversary dinner at Raffertys. It was very nice, but we were expecting a long leisurely time to chat and relax. We were seated immediately on walking in. Never had this happen on a weekend in Bowling Green! Then we had our food in ten minutes or less. We laughed and said we would just have to eat slow. Im sure if the kids had been there, it would have been a two hour, stressful ordeal. After dinner we met Kevin's family back at the hotel and chatted a while and then took all the kids to Orange Leaf. This was Grand Opening Day for our newest store, which was the second reason we chose to spend the weekend in Bowling Green. We had a lot of fun even though it was a part date and part family time. The kids all stayed in their own room through the night, even though poor Bran was traumatized by lAikyn and now says he never wants children. LOL We didn't hear a peep and had a nice restful night. Saturday, Daddy had to spend the day on marketing and brand awareness, so after lounging for the morning, he took us to Uncle Kevin and Aunt Jill's pool to spend the afternoon. The kids had a blast and I really enjoyed the sunshine and visit since I've been cooped up recovering all summer. Gay and Steve met us at Kevin's after swimming and we had another nice visit before heading back to Hawesville! So an unusual, but equally fun anniversary. We just bought a new van, so decided that we needed to not do gifts, but Rob is having my pictures framed, so that was an extra bonus!I can't believe we've been together since we were kids. Not something I recommend, but by Gods grace we made it. This year we've learned all about better or worse and sickness and health. There is nothing more romantic than the "better" of watching daddy bond with the child of your heart in a foreign country and there is nothing as tender as "worse" of your husband being willing to hold you up and wash your hair because you have no strength. I only pray that soon we are looking back on this experience as yet another testimony of Gods grace and mercy through trials of life! He definitely gave me the right person to see me through this situation!

Happy 1st Gotcha Day Laikyn 5/21

On this day last year, A kicking, screaming Mingzhu was placed in my arms. I loved her deeply through those first difficult moments and within minutes I was able to see a transformation take place as she calmed and began to respond to my hand running by rubbing my hand back. Still shaky, she accepted a treat from me and began to look at me. Soon we were playing together in the office play area. It was like a dream and as I look at her today, I'm still seeing that transformation happening. We've had a wonderful first year together but it
hasn't been without struggles. Like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon, the struggles of sleep disturbances and medical issues have made us stronger as a family. We have also created many beautiful memories over this first year together, watching her embrace all of the things she has never experienced like church, family trips, movie theaters, picnics, parties and holiday traditions. Her language is still coming along. She can almost always tell what she is wanting to say and get close enough that we can figure it out. In the car the other day, she kept repeating, "Bubba Himmy". We finally figured it was Bubba Hit me and she was so excited that Korbin got in trouble. Later she got a bottom swat for something and that turned into a half hour of reporting, "daddy himmy". Love that girl! Today we made sure we watched our China video with her. Nothing new since she watches them almost daily anyway. The plan is to celebrate by taking her to do a special activity and a fun restaurant over the next day or two.

5-23 We were able to celebrate today ! We started with a trip to Evansvilee Red Robin where Laikyn got a balloon, one of her favorites! Next we went over to the Build a Bear store where she picked out a kitty cat to stuff. I predicted that one as she always gets excited when she sees cats. We also had to put the sound in it since she is so good at saying meow. She gave the heart a loving kiss before putting it into her kitty. I asked what his name was and she said, "Meow"! Not sure why I didn't think of that one. We ended with a trip to the Orange Leaf in Evansville just to see how it compared to our store. It was a long day with only a short car nap, but she did great. I'm sure she had no idea what this gotcha day was all about, but I'm sure she will come to love it as much as big sis does. Poor Korbin was mad all day because he doesn't have a Gotcha day.

Jillian's 5th Grade Graduation

Today as Im preparing for this event, I can't help look back on her school career. She started school in tears every time there was too much noise in the gym to having to leave the class and go to PE and art to having a sub. She was only content when she was in her room with her regular teacher. She still thrives on organization, but is now the most confident young lady I know. Nothing much ruffles her feathers or upsets her. In the year book, she was voted most dedicated by her classmates. They nailed that one. She always does her homework first thing, usually before I leave my class in the afternoon. She always asks me to quiz her for tests, just to be sure that she is 100% ready. She even came home and practiced for the end of year fitness test. Having her as a student last year was wonderful for me. She even kept me on track when I had a sub or got sidetracked. She always reminded me if I had something to pick up for a special project. I called her my lil teachers aide. I wish I could keep her here at South Hancock with me forever, but then again I wouldn't want to miss all of the exciting things her future holds as she grows up. With Brandon, every milestone brought tears and sadness of him growing up. But Honestly, Im having just as much fun with Brandon now that he's an adult. The best is watching him finally figure out for himself some of the things I have told him for years. So tonight Im going to try to enjoy the moment rather than linger on our sweet moments of the past. I am just so proud of this little ladybug who has been my sidekick since day 1. She is not only smart and dedicated, but she is beautiful, helpful, obedient, organized, and has a very funny side as well. She loves God and family first and shows that in how she lives her life. Can't wait to honor her tonight by being at graduation. Since My surgery, she has prayed that God would make momma well enough to come and we're thankful He granted her request.

Now home from graduation and it was wonderful! Mrs Spindel's charge to them to be leaders instead of followers was great! This was her last graduation, which made it more special. Savannah Swihart led a touching prayer over her classmates future and Mrs. Spindel's retirement as well as a prayer of thanks for the school. The class sang Thank You for Beibg a Friendand Autumn Brown sang a song she wrote. Next awards were passed and Jillian had many. She had the All A honor roll award, Presidential Achievement award, Social Studies-award for highest average, and the physical fitness award. Im so proud of her and her work ethic! After diplomas were passed we watched a music video of their years in elementary. I have a copy for her scrapbook! It was a beautiful evening for a beautiful little lady. We let the kids run and get a quick piece of cake from the reception and then had to get Gdad home since it was passed his 7pm bedtime.

Mother's Day 2013

This year was another special celebration of being a mom to my four blessings from God as well as my first Mother's day with Laikyn. On this day last year, we were packing for China and anticipating our new little miracle. I have been feeling strong enough to get out a little, so I was able to attend church with my crew and then eat at Chicagos with Robs family. Rob and the kids gave me a 4 strand Mother's bracelet with each child's name and birthstone. I LOVE IT! I also spent some time missing and thanking God for my own mom, who I lost way too soon, as well as my aunts who loved and cared for me like momma would have. I'm blessed to have had so many Godly women in my life. When I think of how my Aunt Sy lost her only child in childbirth, I wonder if our strong mother/ daughter connection came from the place of loss in both of our lives. It shows that God provides in the worst circumstances.! After lunch, the kids were very quiet while I took a long nap and then we spent the evening just visiting! Love these special days! I'm attaching a picture of my gift, and one of Laikyn just because its her first Mother's Day and one day she won't remember this, but I want her to look back and see how happy she was. The one we took of me with all the kids"accidentally" got deleted since Brando didn't think he looked as awesome as he should! Lol!

Locks of Love 3

Today Jillian Completed her 3rd Locks of Love Donation. The tangles had been worrying her for several weeks. So she decided now is the time. She is anxious to grow it back by October so she can use it as a duck dynasty beard for Halloween. I assured her we will find her a fake beard, so that satisfied her. She cracks me! One of a kind! She has received so many compliments! I thought Grandad would cry when he saw how old it made her look.